Non-custodial fathers - how do they sustain and develop the relationship with their children after separation and divorce?
by Gay Ochiltree
Australia, like other Western countries, has experienced a great increase in the number of divorces over the last twelve years. It is estimated on 1979 divorce figures that 3.9 per cent of children will have experienced the divorce of their parents by the time they are five years old, 10.2 per cent by the time they are ten, and 16.5 by the time they are sixteen (Carmichael and McDonald, 1986).
Children usually remain in the custody of their mothers, and in most cases custody arrangements are made privately between parents without intervention from the court. An indication of proportions of mother and father custody is found in the Institute's Economic Consequences of Marriage Breakdown Study (Settling up, 1986). Among the younger couples, all of whom had dependent children and were divorced in 1981 and 1983, the wife had custody of the children in the first three months in 83 per cent of cases, while the husband had custody in only 8 per cent of cases. In the remaining cases custody was split or the children were living with other people, usually relatives.
Although non-custodial fathers (and mothers) usually have access to their children on a regular basis, as time goes by contact often becomes irregular and sometimes ceases altogether (Wallerstein and Kelly, 1980; Furstenberg and Nord, 1985). Some fathers, fortunately, take particular care to keep up regular contact and develop a close relationship with their children.
Nevertheless, the style and nature of parenting is different for non-custodial fathers. During the marriage they have had day-to-day contact with their children and to a greater or lesser extent have shared responsibility for their upbringing. After separation non-custodial fathers see their children on a more social basis than when they lived with them. Their role often becomes recreational, and to some extent they become friends rather than parents. They are no longer involved in the mundane decisions of everyday life with children, but they also miss out on the little satisfactions and pleasures of daily contact.
In contrast, custodial mothers have the major responsibility for the health, welfare and education of their children as well as for their day-to-day care. As time passes and the pain of separation and divorce recedes, mothers sometimes resent the fact that non-custodial fathers spend their time having fun with the children while having little responsibility. Younger children in the Institute's Children in Families Study most commonly reported that they went out (58 per cent) or played (41 per cent) with their non-custodial father when they were with them. Although for adolescents, going out (62 per cent) was also the most common activity, they also mentioned staying at home, and some said they talked with their fathers.
In the same study, about 40 per cent of adolescents and two thirds of the younger children who continued to have contact with their fathers, wished they could spend more time with them. Most of the younger children wanted more time playing or going out, but others just wanted to be with their fathers. For adolescents, because of their greater maturity and the passage of time, the issues were less clear cut. Some did not know their fathers well enough to want more time with them, others were changeable about what they wanted, and others again wanted the opportunity to get to know their fathers. A few who did not see their fathers at all were angry about their neglect, while others were curious. One boy of 16 said: "We only heard from Dad a couple of months ago. My sister and I both wanted to see him, to see what he was like - different version from what my mother told me - but we couldn't let my mother down. But still, in a way I'd like to see him. He rang up and talked to my sister, and my sister said she might want to see him and had a talk on the phone. But I didn't really get the chance because I didn't want to let my Mum down."
A longitudinal study of American children (Wallerstein and Kelly, 1980) found that five years after the separation/divorce of their parents the children who most enjoyed seeing their non-custodial fathers were those who felt they had some say and where the arrangements were flexible. Children who were least satisfied were those who felt that their fathers were not really interested in them and were too busy to give them attention.
Although it is often feared that the non-custodial parent will have a negative affect on the relationship between children and their stepfathers when custodial parents remarry, research indicates that, in the long term, this is generally not a problem (Furstenberg and Nord, 1985). On the other hand, when non-custodial fathers remarry, relationships with their children are likely to be affected, because they can no longer give them their full attention. New wives (stepmothers) may not find it easy when children visit their fathers, and there can be resentment on both sides.
In the American study, mentioned earlier, only 30 per cent of children had emotionally mature and satisfying relationships with their non-custodial fathers five years after separation. These fathers had made a commitment to their children, and by providing affection, support, and sometimes a refuge, they continued to have a positive influence on their development and life choices, although it was a very different contribution from that of custodial parents. However, retaining a good relationship with their children was not easy for these fathers. It took time and effort, it had to be negotiated with new partners and children, it was time consuming and it sometimes cost money. But it was also emotionally satisfying for both fathers and children.
The following is the story of how one Australian non-custodial father sustained and developed the relationship with his daughter after separation and divorce. At first he lived alone in a flat and then went through a series of major transitions in his life - he remarried, moved to a country town, and his new wife became pregnant and gave birth to twins. His story highlights some of the problems that must be confronted by non-custodial fathers and some of his personal solutions.
I have always enjoyed a close relationship with my daughter, Maggie, and fortunately we have managed to maintain this across the gap of time and space which comes with a marriage break-up. Maggie was only five and a half when I left her mother. For the first five years after separation I lived in Melbourne, with Maggie visiting regularly three out of four weekends, and me dropping in sometimes to visit her after school. Maggie is now eleven years old. She is still living with her mother and now enjoying a stable stepfamily life in Melbourne, where she is the youngest of three children. Every other weekend Maggie travels by train to the country to visit me, my new wife, Laura, and our young twins, where she is the eldest of three.
Dearest Maggie,
After your phone call to me tonight and after hearing a radio talk on how people used to write letters to
each other in the olden days, I thought I would write a letter to you just for fun. Perhaps you would like
to write one back? Just a page if you like. It might be fun. Anyway, here it is.
Maggie and I have been corresponding about fortnightly since then. Letters, cards, drawings, jokes, riddles and rhymes all come through the mail. This is an important dimension in our relationship. I try to make my letters special by sending them in colourful first-day issue envelopes and I also send Maggie the stamps she'll need. Australia Post has put out a great starter for children - The Kids Letter Writing Kit ($4.95). It contains a good `how-to' manual with specimen letters and bright envelopes, and I gave it to Maggie as a going home gift.
The twins were born six weeks prematurely. Maggie was brought in by my parents the next morning and was involved in the first family photographs. She visited many times in the next five weeks, seeing the babies in their isolettes, and helping bathe and bottle feed them. It was a happy, if exhausting, time for us all. When Maggie said that `having babies was better than having dolls, better than having teddies, better than having cats even', I knew she had arrived as a bit sister!
Two informative books on this topic are available in the Institute's Family Information Centre and other libraries. They are: Saturday parent: a book for separated families, by Peter Rowlands, published (1982) by Continuum, New York; and A practical guide for access fathers, by Glenda Banks, published (1982) by Dove, Blackburn, Victoria.
AIFS (1986) Settling up: income and property distribution on divorce in Australia, Compiled and
published by the Australian Institute of Family Studies, Melbourne.
Carmichael, G and McDonald, P (1986) `The rise and fall(?) of divorce in Australia 1968-
1985', Paper presented at the Population Association of America meeting, San Francisco.
Furstenberg, F F and Nord, C (1985) `Parenting apart: patterns of childrearing after divorce',
Journal of Marriage and the Family, Vol. 47, No. 4, pp. 893-904.
Ochiltree, G and Amato, P (1985) The child's eye view of family life, Australian Institute of
Family Studies, Melbourne.
Wallerstein, J and Kelly, J B (1980) Surviving the breakup: how children and parents cope with
divorce, Grant McIntyre, London.