The Non-Custodial Father's Relationship to his Child: Conflicts and Solutions

by Arthur A Seagull¹ & Elizabeth A W Seagull²

Reproduced with permission of the authors.

ABSTRACT

Contents of This Page

Introduction
The Non-Custodial Father as a Product of American Culture
The Mourning Process
The Transition Period
Problems of Visitation
Problems Around the Remarriage of the Non-custodial Father
Children Must Love their Mother
L'envoi
References

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When we think of the problems of the single parent family we tend to focus upon the parent with custody. This is natural, for it is the parent with custody who is in the position of making decisions regarding the everyday life of the child, and who, thus, most often brings the child of divorced parents to the attention of the clinician. As we become involved therapeutically with the custodial parent (most often the mother) and her child or children, we see the non-custodial parent through their eyes, and often never meet him. Thus, unless we also interact therapeutically with parents who do not have custody (most often fathers), we may find their behavior difficult to understand. This lack of insight on our part may, in turn, interfere with our ability to help the child whose parents are divorced. It is our intention, in this article, to highlight the psychological stresses which many non-custodial fathers find themselves facing, and to suggest ways in which these stresses may impact upon such a father's relationship to his children. Wherever possible, we will also recommend modes of approaching these problems which may help to decrease anxiety and conflict, thus freeing father and child to give each other fuller emotional attention.

The Non-Custodial Father as a Product of American Culture

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Many of the problems of the non-custodial father stem either from the way in which he has been socialized within our culture, or the way in which others view him within our culture. (We are speaking here of the modal white, working to upper-middle class American culture, which holds many common values about marriage, divorce, and the role of the father.)

First, our culture teaches that it is the mother who is the important parent. This idea pervades our way of thinking to such an extent that the editor of a recently published book on the role of the father found it necessary to state in the preface as the volume's first goal, "to redress the imbalanced focus on the mother's influence...by demonstrating that fathers, like mothers, have both direct and indirect influences on the psychological development of their offspring" (Lamb, 1976, p. 10).

This "imbalanced focus" has, in most cases, influenced the non-custodial father's life as a parent to such an extent that it often does not even occur to him to ask for custody of his own children, except as a way of expressing his angry and hurt feelings toward their mother.

Moving further back in time to the birth and early life of the child, the average American father for years has taken a back seat as a parent, having been routinely excluded from labor and childbirth. He is still "sheltered" from baby care by a society which gives maternity, but not paternity leaves from work.

Given this cultural context, it is hardly surprising that, whether from their own predilection, sex stereotyping, or the honest desire of women to protect men, fathers have generally successfully avoided diapering, wiping up vomit, inserting a rectal thermometer, or any of the other myriad unappetizing tasks so necessary for the care of the young infant. A mother may be loath to ask a father to get up at night with a crying baby, when he has "worked hard" all day, since she "doesn't work", merely feeding, rocking, singing, diapering, cooking, cleaning, shopping, dusting, vacuuming, tidying, and sterilizing bottles. This lack of experience in interacting with and sacrificing for the young infant can lead to a failure of bonding between the father and the young child.

Thus, not only does the father believe that he is the unimportant parent, the very behaviors which derive from this belief tend to lead to poor bonding, and a self-fulfilling prophecy. It is the mother to whom the young child runs first with joys and tears. These feelings tend to add to the newly-divorced father's depression and frustration as he embarks upon the task of discovering himself as a father, alone and without the help of his wife, perhaps for the first time in his life.

In addition to the problems which stem from his poor socialization as a parent, the average American father finds himself woefully unprepared even for taking care of himself. Simple "housekeeping skills" are totally foreign to him, both because until recently, the house has been seen as the woman's domain, and because men have been taught not to value or need these skills. While married, most men found it more convenient not to learn these skills, lest they by called upon to use them. More subtly, however, men have been excluded from the female domain of the household not only by acquiescing to the sex role stereotype, or because of wifely protectiveness of the hardworking husband, but because some women needed to define an area of territory and competence as their own, upon which the husband could not encroach. Thus, the dedication of a cookbook written by a man reads, "To my wife, who let me use her kitchen" [emphasis added] (Clayton, 1973).

When the non-custodial father wishes to have his children visit him, then, he frequently finds that he does not know what to do with them, either in terms of relating to them as people or in terms of simple caretaking. Because fixing them a meal seems beyond him, he takes them out to eat, and find himself wondering why he doesn't look forward to a restaurant lunch with a four-year-old who eats two bites and spills his soda while fidgeting at the table. Having depended so heavily in the past upon the skills of his wife, he finds himself shouting at them when they engage in normal sibling bickering, and their frightened and guilty looks in response only deepen his feelings of unself-worth, self-loathing, confusion and depression. As the visits become increasingly awkward, he feels like visiting his children less, and these feelings, too, confirm his fears of being a bad parent. More and more, he wonders whether it is some deep-seated psychological deficit in himself that makes these visits go so poorly.

The newly divorced non-custodial father who is struggling with these painful feelings, finds his anxiety and confusion heightened when confronted with the difference between his psychological reality and the view that our society holds of him. He may wonder, "What's wrong with me, that I'm not enjoying myself?" The feeling that the parent who does not have custody of the children is leading a carefree, single life is perhaps best reflected in a popular joke, "I'd get a divorce in a minute, but I'm afraid I might get custody of the children."

While it is certainly the case that the parent with custody faces many very real problems, financial, social and emotional, which she would not face as a childless divorced woman, it does not follow that her counterpart, the non-custodial father, has no such problems. Though he can come and go as he please, without having to worry about baby-sitters and day-care, he also lacks the human comfort which derives from having a child whom one loves to greet at the end of a day's work. In fact, his loneliness and depression may bear a strong resemblance to mourning.

The Mourning Process

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Even in a marriage which was stormy or actually unpleasant, a process of "letting go", or decathexis, somewhat similar to mourning takes place (Krantzler, 1975). To think that one can simply leave a marriage, and immediately proceed to new relationships, is to underestimate the interpersonal importance of significant people in our lives. Men, especially, are singularly unprepared for expressing their emotions and feelings in this society. Hard as it is to accept for some who feel that they are unambivalently glad to be rid of the spouse, it is almost impossible to separate from such an important relationship without feeling some degree of loss and emptiness. For some, the loss may be merely the loss of arguments which they could predict would follow from interacting with the spouse, but it is a loss nonetheless. When the children visit during the time of this mourning process, the father may experience feelings are heightened at just the moment when he, ideally, should give his full attention to his children, in order to deal with them in a friendly, relaxed way. Just being with his children at this time reminds him, at some very deep level, of the loss he has sustained, though he may not recognize it as such.

Added to the process of mourning the relationship with the ex-spouse are the non-custodial parent's feelings that he has lost his children. Not having custody of the children can be a dull, nagging ache. This is particularly true when one has to say goodbye to the children and return them to the spouse with custody. The pain of separation is profound, and it is no wonder that many a father would prefer visiting less often rather than undergoing this weekly trauma. Even among those fathers who do bear the pain of regular separations from the children they love, unless the father is careful, he can distance himself emotionally in order to be less vulnerable, so that the separation will not be quite so painful.

A third factor which adds to the depression and mourning of this phase in the divorce process can be the move itself. In most cases in which the mother retains physical custody of the children, it is the father who leaves their previously shared dwelling place, and moves into space of his own. The disorganization and personal confusion attendant upon any move are exacerbated by the father's emotional state, already overwhelmed by loss, and by his aforementioned lack of housekeeping skills. Thus, the new "pad" may remain disorganized for many months, through lack of emotional energy and lack of ability to make a place homelike. These depressing surroundings, in addition to their loneliness, may make "home" a place the non-custodial father neither wants to be himself nor wants to take his children.

The Transition Period

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The period of time between the decision of the adults to divorce and the non-custodial father's establishment of relationships with his children which are separate from his marriage to their mother can be seen as a transitional period. Usually this is a fairly long period of time. It most certainly takes months, and it may take years. The decisions which the divorcing couple make regarding how they will handle the children during this period of time can be extremely important either in helping to ease this transition, or in interfering with the ability of the children to form a new, separate relationship with their father.

First, it is very important that both mother and father explain to the children that though mother and father at one time loved each other and so decided to marry, they no longer love each other and they are now getting a divorce. It is vital to emphasize, though, that the children are not divorced from the non-custodial father. The father is still their father, still loves them, and will continue to relate to them, though no longer in the way that was possible before. Parenthetically, it should be noted that many children wonder whether if they had been "good" or had not been angry with father, or wanted mother all to themselves at times, then the divorce would not have taken place. When parents decide to divorce, the children should be told specifically that they are not the cause, and that their desires, fantasies, dreams, or behavior were not a factor. This statement of reality, however, will not necessarily prevent the child from feeling guilty or from trying to bring the parents together, and it will need to be repeated when the child lets us know of his or her fantasies that, by thought or action, he could change the situation. The child must be reassured that whatever the relationship of the parents, s/he will still be loved by both; that parents do not "fall out of love" with their children the way that the divorcing adults have done.

Since often the non-custodial father will have left the family home when the child is working much of this through, a difficult burden falls upon the custodial mother to try to lay aside her own angry and hurt feelings about her husband long enough to give her children the support and reassurance they require that daddy's departure is not their fault and that he still loves them. Both parents need to allow their children to express their angry and hurt feelings that they have been abandoned and divorced, too.

A second parental attitude which can be of great value in helping children through this difficult transitional period is for both parents to agree that it is all right for the child to love both parents. For children to feel forced to choose between the parents is a guarantee of destructive feelings which will show in adulthood when they are old enough to have their own children. It is important that children be allowed to talk about the fun they had and the things they did with either parent to the other parent. If children are afraid to express how they feel about either parent, feelings of mistrust and unself-worth on the part of the children result. Without this freedom, the concepts that the parent is not divorced from the chidden but only from the spouse, and that the child has two parents who both love him or her, are only empty verbalizations and not reality.

A third parental position which can ease the transition for the child and the parents is a particularly painful one for the non-custodial father. Most parents want to have an influence on the education and upbringing of their children. We feel that the non-custodial parent, however, must come to realize that he must forego any direct influence on the education and upbringing of his children, in order to reduce parental conflict in the life of the child to an absolute minimum. We do not go as far as Goldstein, Freud, and Solnit (1973), who state:

"Once it is determined who will be the custodial parent, it is that parent, not the court, who must decide under what conditions he or she wishes to raise the child. Thus, the non-custodial parent should have no legally enforceable right to visit the child, and the custodial parent should have the right to decide whether it is desirable for the child to have such visits" (p. 38).

We do think that visits are important, and that the child can have a psychologically meaningful and positive relationship with the non-custodial father through them, but only if the parents are able to maintain a reasonably amicable relationship where the children are concerned. If the non-custodial father does not accept that the child must learn to live according to the values, rules and philosophy of the spouse with custody, this reasonably amicable relationship cannot be maintained.

This does not mean that the father cannot teach his values or have his own set of rules in his own house, as long as he does it in a way which does not directly challenge what the children are being taught by their mother, and, hence, exacerbate a loyalty conflict which the non-custodial parent must surely lose. Thus, the father can say, "Well, I know in your house you do X, but here, we do Y. Your mother and I have different ideas about this." (This is less conflict inducing than, "What! You go to church with your mother when you know how I feel about God?!") Children can learn to adapt their behavior to the reality of their surroundings, a useful skill in other life situations.

The custodial mother, in turn, can help to lessen her children's conflict by accepting that her ex-husband is exposing their children to values and ideas with which she disagrees. The security which derives from the knowledge that the final say in decisions affecting the child's upbringing is hers should help her to do this.

If , instead, the parents squabble over the upbringing of the child, the divorce never ends; the ex-spouses bicker and rage about precisely those differences in personality, outlook, and philosophy which led to the divorce in the first place! For some couples this continuing argument over education, spending of money, dressing the children, vacations, bedtimes, etc. are means the parents use to continue their connection after divorce by the only means they know, fighting. In his clinical practice, one of the authors spoke with a parent who admitted that she thought about her ex-husband ("the rat") eighty percent of her waking hours! She thought of the many evils he had done her, how poorly he treated their child, and, in general, what a mean, miserable man he was. When it was pointed out to her that she thought of him more than if she had been head over heels in love with him, and that her "falling for" the ways he had of infuriating her meant that both of them wanted to stay in contact, she began to work on making a life for herself.

Once the non-custodial father has accepted the fact that the children's mother has the legal and emotional responsibility to raise the children according to her philosophy, he will be able to greet with more grace the news that the children are taking lessons, following religious practices or learning values that he disapproves of, disagrees with, or wouldn't countenance were he still at home, and the children will respond with greater relaxation and calm to his accepting attitude. The reduction of overt fighting between the spouses regarding child rearing which is a direct out-come of this acceptance will also serve to ease tensions between father and child.

Problems of Visitation

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Saying "hello" is hard, because once the non-custodial father moves out, he lacks common experiences which facilitate a smooth interaction. In addition, the father may be less skillful in childcare or be preoccupied with his own problems; the children may feel awkward because of their latent guilt feelings about leaving their mother.

The father must see that the love the child has for their mother is neither a criticism of him nor an indication of affectional failure. Sometimes simply reflecting to the children (and himself!) what is going on is helpful. "Gee, sometimes it feels strange, at first. It's sometimes hard to leave your mother and come here." The children's feelings are natural, so if the father can remain calm and emotionally undemanding, the children will show their affection to him in their own time.

Since it is very hard for parents and children to say goodbye, too, the children sometimes "help" by becoming discipline problems half an hour before the end of the visit. The father "naturally" becomes angry and yells at the children, and all parties concerned "feel better" that the visit is over. Two siblings who visit together may arrange to divide the work by having one cry at the door on the way out, while the other dawdles interminably ("Where are my socks? Where's my bathrobe?"). Sometimes, if the father is alert to this, he can use reflecting of feelings ("I can hear by your voices that you guys are going to end up in a fight and one of you is going to cry. It is hard to say goodbye.") Or, one can use what Caplan (1964) calls "anticipatory guidance", that is, discussing an issue that may come up before it actually occurs in order to help the person prepare for solving the problem. Thus, one might say to a child about an hour before leaving, "I'll be having to take you home in about an hour. This is a time when children sometimes get into fights, because it's easier to say goodbye when we are angry. Let's see if we can prevent that this time."

As the time for leaving approaches, both children and father may begin to protect themselves from the pain of the separation by becoming more emotionally distant. A father should be aware of this, perhaps comment on it, but not push the child to behave differently, so that the child can have the opportunity to respond when he or she is ready for it. It is the same system one would use when helping a child enter the water at a beach for the first time. Pushing the child before he or she is ready simply sets up a barrier which is harder to overcome. Allowing the child to approach the water at his or her own speed, or in his or her own way, may take a little longer in the beginning, but will have the lasting effect of the child enjoying the water and wanting to swim.

The actual moments of being picked up and dropped off after visits with the father are particularly stressful for children. They feel torn between the parents in a very direct way: "Should I kiss Daddy in front of Mommy? If I look happy to see Mom, will I hurt Dad's feelings?"

One way which we have found helpful in lessening the stress inherent in exposing the children over and over to this conflictful situation is to have some neutral buffer zone where children are picked up or dropped off. For example, rather than taking the children home Sunday night to their mother, the non-custodial father can keep the child until Monday morning, take him or her to school, and then have the child go from school to home. Or, he can drop the child off at Sunday school and have the mother pick up the child. This obviates the need for the children to say goodbye to one parent just when they have to say hello to the other. It allows them to make a better transition, and prevents them from feeling that they must make an explicit display of loyalty to one parent or the other. This simple arrangement has been useful in diminishing many of the difficulties we have noted between divorced parents.

Sometimes children appear emotionally insatiable during visits. They cannot get enough of Dad. When this happens, a method of ameliorating the frenetic quality of visits may be to extend the amount of time the children spend with their father. When the visits are short, children may tend to try to cram into three hours the affection and interaction they might achieve in a week at home. Extending this visitation means that the intensity of the interaction can be less and the relationship have a more normal pace. With the knowledge that there is enough time, children can leave the father in order to play with friends or read as they might do in their own home.

Overcoming the "every day is Christmas" (Hetherington, 1977) quality of early non-custodial parent visitation has a calming effect on father, children, and also on mother, who may be angry at the unreal quality of this unfair competition. Extending visiting time, as we have said, helps in this "normalization" process. Having the father's own friends visit when the children are visiting him also helps the time together to seem more normal. It lessens the strain which the children feel when the time seems overly precious, and allows them to feel that they are in a regular household in which friends also come and go.

Problems Around the Remarriage of the Non-custodial Father

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When the non-custodial father decides to remarry, it is very important that he explain this to his children himself. It should not come as a surprise from a third party, as in the case of children who learned of the remarriage of their father from their friends talking in school! Children should be told straight-forwardly that the father is going to remarry, that he hopes that the children will like and eventually love the new wife, but that in no way do the children have a veto over this decision. It must be clear to the children, in a positive way, that this is "none of their business". If this is said without anger but merely as a statement of fact, it tends to reduce anxiety for the children.

Children obviously will feel conflicted about the news of remarriage. They may not understand at first that if they love their stepmother it does not diminish their love for their own mother. Consequently, they may have feelings of guilt and disloyalty toward their mother, especially if their mother expresses negative feelings to them about the new wife.

A new wife can feel conflicted about the children because they are not her own, and, indeed, may be a tangible reminder of her husband's previous relationship that she would rather not think about.

The father can become conflicted because he wants his new wife to be accepted as a confirmation of his own taste and good sense. He loves his children and wants them to be happy; he loves his new wife and wants her to be happy. Fathers can get to feel that they are in the position of trying to mediate between all the various pulls on their affection. We think it is almost inevitable that the more either the stepmother or father feel that they must achieve a particular end, i.e., to get the children to love the new stepparent, the more difficulties will occur. It is important that the children know that they do not have to love their new stepmother, and it should be made equally clear to the stepmother that she does not have to love the children. What ought to obtain, however, is some degree of respect and civility on the children's part, and competent parenting on the part of the stepmother. By competent, we mean that the needs of the children are met for warmth, age appropriate play, and clear consistent rules without a demand for affection on either side. The more the father or stepmother feel it is important to have affection shown, the more with-holding it becomes a weapon in the hands of the child. The child is also dimly aware that there is something quite ungenuine in an overdetermined need for demonstrations of affection. The child who receives such a duplicitous message will respond with suspicion and heightened mistrust.

Children Must Love their Mother

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It is a sad, painful fact for the non-custodial father, that, in most instances, the child will unconsciously make those choices which will make his or her life easiest at the home of the custodial parent. The child spends most of his/her time with his/her mother; she makes the main decisions affecting the child. It is with her that the rhythm of his life is set. The father can easily resent this, and involve the child in fruitless anguish by making issues into "a secret love test". ("If the child loves me, she/he will choose what I want".) Such a conflict cannot be helpful for the child or the father. With this set-up, the child must offend one parent, and, in most cases, the child will side with the mother's expressed desires. To think of the child's best interests entails much biting of the tongue. Conflicts affecting the child should be kept to a minimum or worked out away from the child. Parents should arrange issues like holiday visitation as equitably as possible, though the father should realize that the chances are that the child, when given a "free choice" of equally attractive outings, will probably choose to go with the mother. The father's contribution to the personality of the child is that the child is not made to feel guilty for his/her choice, or made aware of anything other than father's natural parental disappointment.

Choosing to be with mother is also a natural choice for the child because the child's whole network of social interactions with peers centers upon the house of the custodial parent. Thus in any conflict between even a more competent step-mother and a less competent natural mother, the child has little choice. Father and stepmother should realize this hard fact and take it gracefully. The principle is, and must be, that the child should not suffer for the pain, unhappiness, or needs of the father.

L'envoi

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Separation is painful for the non-custodial father and his children. Clearly, our society has not given thought to the plight of the non-custodial father, and the ultimate effect the father's feelings may have on the children. In general, society feels, rather, that any difficulties he sustains are probably the price he must pay for dodging his parental duty. Such an attitude is misguided and short-sighted if the emotional development of the children is to be considered.

We should add, however, that the problems described above are not insuperable. Rather, they seem to us to be facts of life for many non-custodial fathers Considering the number of divorces in this country, they are problems concerning which our society must take a more compassionate view. Society in general and persons who consider themselves child advocates in particular must do this not only because of the help which non-custodial fathers need, but because through helping non-custodial fathers increase their skills and feelings of self-worth, their children can be helped to enjoy a healthier emotional life.

REFERENCES

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